Paradiso e Casa

Written by Lucas - Massachusetts, USA

Paradiso or Heaven has always been my home. Like a lampshade of sorts, it has sat by my bed illuminating my thoughts. When I was a child, my overwhelming fears of life and death were blanketed by the comfort that, one day I would reside in communion with all the Archangels, Prophets, and Saints. The notion that someday everything would be alright rocked me back and forth gently throughout the years. When I came of age, however, the realization of my sexuality presented a difficult situation. It would take lots of perseverance and self-discovery to unite the intersections of my faith and queerness.

Growing up, I was second generation Italian and therefore Roman Catholic. My childhood was warm with faith; I loved God and he loved me. It was as simple as that. My favorite part of the church was always the art. Even at a young age, I held an appreciation for the mastery and carefully crafted beauty of catholic imagery. Ethereal beings adorned with whites, golds, and pinks guarding shapeless clouds and pearly gates enthralled me. This raised me to be content with my creator and gave me an idea of the place my soul would reside.

However, as I reached high school my faith began to dwindle. Suddenly my eyes started darting towards other boys my age instead of girls. This new confusion doused me in a lavender shame and when I approached my priest he told me, “I wasn't allowed to act upon these thoughts.” Without a proper form of guidance and surrounded by people who did not understand me, a wedge was driven between me and my faith. My spirit began to break under the pressure of a suppressed sexuality and my place in Heaven was no longer certain.

I tried to deconstruct my own humanity by repenting, although that did not make these feelings disappear. Eventually, I stepped back from the prayers and stopped letting my thoughts and actions be driven by the prospect of salvation. For a while, I was aggravated at the church, and everyone who made me feel like my existence was wrong.

But as time passed, and I began to mature, I started acknowledging my past trauma with the church along with all the joy it had given me. I longed for the art back, the comfort and beauty in the idea of Heaven, angels, and God. The plethora of art–statues, paintings, and stained glass that all represented peace and hope. I began to reconnect with my faith through the composition and appreciation of catholic art. This helped me form a new bridge between my faith and I. I realized I loved these things that represented God and I loved being gay. My relationship with God did not have to coincide with the fact of heaven or hell, because it is my relationship with God. I got to decide that I wanted it to be guided by passion and love not fear and trepidation. The biggest mistake I ever made was being too afraid to love what I love and therefore love God for who he made me to be. Now I love visiting churches and studying art. I love God and I also love being my true authentic self.