Woman Enough
Written by Samantha - New York, USA
When I first transitioned, my relationship with Judaism was the last thing on my mind. How would my religion even connect with my gender? I asked myself. Gender roles in traditional, conservative Judaism are strictly divided: Men take care of the spiritual connection with Judaism, while women are left to face the practicality of it—cooking Jewish meals, passing on religion to their children, and lighting the Shabbat candles.
I was raised believing I could do anything in my religion. In my faith, women read Torah, lead religious services, and hold positions of religious authority. When I moved across the country in fifth grade, my new rabbi was a woman. At Jewish sleepaway camp, girls were allowed to wear kippot or tefillin, traditionally male religious accessories. I’m grateful for being able to grow up in a Jewish world that values equality and women’s rights.
When I came to terms with my gender identity in high school, I rejected the gender roles within Judaism altogether. I immediately broke away from the obvious male practices, like wearing a kippah (head covering) in religious settings. However, part of my Jewish self was fractured. It felt like my connection with religion clashed with my newfound gender identity– Judaism seemed archaic to accept my current self, and the idea of changing your gender was too newfangled for a 5000 year old culture. My Bar Mitzvah a year prior was uncomfortable too- I’m a woman, but I had a Bar Mitzvah? I felt like I didn't even deserve to be recognized as a woman by my religion.
As I continued through my transition, I found comfort within some of the more traditional gender roles. Every Friday night, before Shabbat dinner, it’s traditionally seen as the woman’s role to light the candles. After lighting the two candles, we close our eyes and say a prayer to bring in Shabbat. Doing this with my mom, sister, friends, relatives, and all the Jewish community I am surrounded with has bonded me to the shared experiences of womanhood.
I found a sense of belonging within my faith in the most simple, weekly ritual. When I lit the candles with other girls and women, I had no doubts about whether I was woman enough. I knew that I was following in the footsteps of thousands of my ancestors who came before me. Even though they might not have experienced gender in the same way I do, we are able to experience parts of Jewish womanhood together every Friday night. Lighting the candles might not be as grand as the shofar blowing on Rosh Hashanah or as historic as the Passover seder, but it’s taught me that religion can be a form of gender-affirming care.
Now, I have found a happy medium within the gender roles of Judaism. I still don’t wear the traditionally male ‘kippah’ but I feel comfortable wearing a ‘tallit’ in synagogue, stating my connection to God. I can remain a Jewish woman even though I had a Bar Mitzvah.
I have come to understand that my relationship with Judaism is not about rejecting tradition but reclaiming it. The binary roles that have shaped Jewish practice for centuries do not have to dictate how I engage with my faith. Being transgender often means navigating a world that was not built for you, but it also means discovering new ways to find meaning, peace, and connection. Every Friday night, when I light the candles and welcome Shabbat with the women in my life around me, I know I belong—to my religion, my community, and myself.
