A Queerly Small Faith
Written by EmmaLee/Tony - Texas, USA
When I received my letterman jacket in my small, conservative town and wore around “James: 2:16-17,” many took their double takes and questioned my faith, yet the rapist with “Philippians 4:13” because “it looked cool” was congratulated. It was odd for the few queer folks to see someone like me, a Queer Christian. It was even weirder for the Christians to see someone, “a heretical,” being faithful, not changing into the epitome of a ”vindictive f*g”. Being a Queer Christian, I feel I am constantly deprived of community, but through small acts of servitude, defiance, and worship, I begin to feel that I’m where I am for a reason and therefore belong.
I’ve always felt deprived of community, even before I realized I was queer, especially when it came to religion. I have tried every church within my grasp. There were three; I was sexually assaulted in one, bullied in another, and the last I was bullied, assaulted, and lectured about my liberal views. After that, I was Christian in name alone. I revived my active faith when I began participating in online queer communities. I saw a community hurt by what I thought I believed, which led me to research my religion. I concluded that religion is awful, but faith is the most beautiful thing I could ever know.
Now I am a Christian, but not the way my peers are. According to them, my school, and the pastors, my faith is wrong. Because I cannot openly practice Christianity in the way I believe I should, I thrive in subtle acts. I worship by mentally dedicating my every performance to God because music makes me feel connected to living. I wear hair accessories on days significant to me because I’m not permitted to veil. I pray when I am overwhelmed by emotion. I’m also defiant when it comes to my faith; I refuse to participate in anything that defiles my faith, even at the expense of my convenience. I refuse to participate in traditions founded on ideals that oppose my faith, like pledging allegiance to a mere nation or supporting those who want to base laws on any religion. I always try to platform the disenfranchised, scorned, and unheard when I can, even if I disagree. With all that, my service is most important. I leave money for the homeless, even with the criticisms of others, because I would rather they have the chance to eat and risk “funding their addiction,” than they never had the chance. I encourage people to love themselves and others above all else, even if that means showing them a direction that could lead away from God; my faith tells me that they need to be okay more than anything. I invest myself in activities where I can help my peers, even though I don’t always like them; they deserve the best community I can help achieve.
It is insignificant that a teenager in the Bible Belt turned out to be Christian, but it is something profound that said teenager was able to be queer and break free from the Christian mold that you will see. Ultimately, it was my queerness that grew my faith, and even feeling deprived of community, my faith was able to grow. Because of that, I can thrive even without a present community. People will always seek community, as I still do, but being able to find a sense of belonging, even through small acts, will give people the strength to last until they find their community. It is human nature to survive, thrive, and commune.
