God is Love
Written by Bailey - New Hampshire, USA
God is love. God loves all. So being shamed for loving others is something that I never quite understood, especially as a pansexual christian. I end up loving people for who they are, despite gender. And just because I may end up loving someone romantically that is the same gender as me, Jesus will not stop loving me for simply being me. The realization of that fact alone brought me closer to God.
When I was younger I tried to deny parts of myself, parts that differentiated me from others around me, and that included my sexuality. At the same time I didn't truly know Jesus, I knew of him but I didn't truly know him. As I grew older I became tired of hiding parts of myself, so instead I became honest with myself. And funny enough, the more I started to accept myself the more my relationship with Jesus grew. When I became open and comfortable with my sexuality I experienced brutal backlash from kids I went to school with. I allowed them to have power over me to make me feel like maybe there was something wrong with me. I would see other girls at school and online who were christians, but I felt worlds apart from them. They seemed so pure, getting compliments and validation for who they were and where they were with their walks with God. While I felt dirty and unworthy of the same God's love.
I not only accepted my peers telling me that there was something wrong with me, but I started to believe it as well. I would get judged for being pansexual, and for loving God at the same time. So I stopped being so open about a part of who I was…and I stopped talking about Jesus to others. But despite the constant judgment I would still go to God. I made time to pray to him, and to read the bible. These practices brought me not only peace but even closer to God and reminded me that I wasn’t alone.
After a while the bullying decreased significantly, and slowly I started to talk to Him more again, and it stopped being just when I was at my worst. I realized that God wanted the true genuine me, not a version of me that I had wished I could be. If he wanted me that way he would have made me that way. Prioritizing my relationship with God over fitting in with the stereotypical christian is what saved my relationship with him.
I surrounded myself with people who loved me for me, just like Jesus, and removed those who didn't. I started watching creators on social media who came with communities that were also in the same situations as me. Being with people who accepted me for me, and who related to the experiences I went through, made me finally feel the sense of belonging that I had been searching for before. I still got hateful comments from those who wouldn't accept me as I was, but this time I did not allow their words to have power over me. The only words I gave that power to was myself and God.
Many things changed for me to be comfortable with how I identify with my sexuality. I lost friends, I gained new ones, and I learned to love myself as I am. These changes are what made me feel more secure with myself and my religion. But two things have and never will change. Who I am, and that God has always loved me. He always will.
