Seeing God
Written by Ace — Georgia, USA
Upon reading the prompt for this essay, I had sat on the idea of describing my faith as an active practice. In doing so, I became more cognizant of the traditions and ideals I still carry. I would be remiss to not give this answer a background. I grew up Christian, the middle child, the first of three children to become baptized, and the first to separate myself from the church. Somewhere along the way I realized that the words of man twisted themselves close to Jesus’ word, but carried a poison. The message spat by the church created by man demonized relentlessly, I cried for my friends whom I saw as loving, beautiful spirits, as I believed they would be eternally damned. On my knees I pleaded for God to save them. In these moments, something hurt deep in the cracks and fibers of my being, of which I can now identify as fear.
I knew something was deeply embedded within me that could never be stifled. At 13 I identified as bisexual, but still held the word of God close. I believed that he had chosen me to spread hope. I had begun going by Ace at this time. I could not look into the face that God had made and claim it was me. I wept, I said I must be ugly. I wish I could take that beautiful child’s face in my hands and tell them that there’s nothing wrong with them, that all was wrong with the world. At the age of 16 I knew without a doubt that I was a man. What ripped me apart for years was now manifest, bore naked for me to witness. Bitter, I tore myself from God because of what man had blighted into my heart.
I began to go out more. I beheld glimpses of God in the people around me. My practices hold the core ideas of Jesus close to my heart. My first practice, the most important, is to love. To see love, to feel love, to be love. It’s difficult to see when you’re clouded in hate, but it is powerful in of itself to choose love. You do not realize just how much love you are surrounded by until you soak it in. Whenever you look at someone with love, it must be kindred to gazing at the love of God, for it soaks through humanity. My second practice is respect. Respect, of course, for your fellow man, however it’s pertinent to have respect for all of life. Life that chirps and calls, life that cannot utter a sound, life that provides you shade and air. When I went out, I took walks. In the comfort of the sun-dimmed forest, I felt God in the sunlight, and in the rain.
I know that I am merely living in their masterpiece. My journeys leave the land as I found it, adding only what would help it thrive. My third practice is to foster community. Serving our fellow man embodies love, respect, and community. No governing body of man can take community from the people. To service those who are in need is to become the love of God personified. In a world that divides, I found joy in supporting the community around me, becoming stronger as a people no matter who we worship. I did not let a page in a book take my life, nor my love. I want to love. I have chosen it. I fight my spiteful and jaded mind to extend mercy. I found God again, in the minute.
