Internal Joy
Written by Erofili - New Jersey, USA
“Be proud of your Christian faith” is a line I heard often growing up. The belief was instilled into me that my religion is not something to hide, but rather my source of strength, and an aspect of myself that I should share with others as I spread God’s values. Despite continual reminders to live with pride and acceptance, I still felt like if those around me knew the true me, I would not be accepted. I was raised in the Greek Orthodox faith, and still practice my religion, but I often feel as though my church community does not encompass the acceptance that they often preach. I distinctly remember during one morning during Sunday school being taught a lesson about God loving all and creating everyone as they were meant to be. Suddenly, however, one of the boys in my class exclaimed, “What about gay people? How can God make them if they are sinful?” My teacher brushed off his comment and the rest of the class ignored him, but his words struck deep within me. Suddenly, in such a place of love and peace, I felt ostracized. Even though no one knew of my lesbian identity, I felt betrayed by their reactions and could not believe that those who preached the same ideas that were being taught that morning could be so ignorant.
Despite knowing I would not be accepted by my religious community if I came out, I found ways to separate the two parts of my life so I could continue to find the joy in both. I am Orthodox Christian and lesbian, the two are inseparable, but it often feels as though I have to be one or the other. At church, I present as a faithful young woman and often am praised for my scholarship in the Catechism program, but never gay. Within myself though, I am always lesbian. I have found friends, family, and community in my church, and will not leave because of other’s prejudice. One day, when I am in a stable position and have found strength within myself to do so, I will live as my true self within my church community, an action which I know will bring me great joy.
Although I do not always feel accepted for my identity when publicly practicing my faith, I have found practices and rituals that bring me happiness and a place of belonging within my religion. I have found the most solace in my personal relationship with God, which is free from outside judgment that I often face in church. Each night before I go to bed, I send a small prayer to God for those in need as well as my family, followed by doing my cross. This small habit helps me feel connected to my faith and calmed by the knowledge that God loves me as I am. Another faithful tradition that I love is the Anastasi service, the midnight mass that commemorates Jesus’ resurrection the night before Easter. This involves the congregation assembling outside the church, each person holding a candle before the priest as he recites the reverent sermon. Near the end, the priest leads the congregation in reciting the phrase “Christos Anesti” (Christ is Risen), and the accompanying chant. Under the moon, rising and lowering our candles in synchronous rhythm, a holy temperance encompasses us all as we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord, and in that moment, I truly feel as though we are all equal, all experiencing the same joy as Orthodox Christians, no matter our lives and identities.
