Expression Changes Like The Seasons
Written by Maddox - North Carolina, USA
As a child, religion meant little to me. Church was simply a place I went to on Sunday mornings where I got to dress in pretty little outfits and get attention from old ladies who fawned over my long hair and who always said my name wrong. Little me never put too much thought into the routine. It took me years to realize how much growing up in the church left an imprint on my heart and what spirituality truly meant to me. It took me years to realize that the preacher on the pulpit was not how my soul interacted with the divine. Even as a small child, I felt far more at home romping around barefooted in the woods than I ever did sitting in the pews. The stone was my altar, the trees my great pillars, the river my communion.
My family left the Christian church permanently several years ago due to no longer feeling safe or welcomed there, as well as the intense political tensions that were putting a strain on the communal feeling we had been desperately clinging to. It was not long afterward that I came out as transgender. I came first to my mother– my closest ally in all things. Around that same time, I had been exploring various alternative religions to fill a gap in my life that my former Christian faith left behind. I still craved the mysticism and comfort of religion, despite all the pain and instilled self-hatred the experience left me with. I still to this day, quite enjoy reading about the life and ministry of Jesus. I think more people ought to live humbly and selflessly as he did. That said, the more I researched and sat with my feelings on the Christian faith, the less it felt like my heart was in it.
During this time of exploration, I had several different “trial phases” with several different faiths. For a bit, I was very invested in Hellenism, in which I connected greatly to the god Apollo, who has many myths about queer love and gender nonconformity. I also loved his sister Artemis, who taught me that my wild heart and spirit were strong and to be nurtured, not quelled. Though I have moved on from the Hellenistic religion, just like Jesus, Apollo and Artemis have stuck with me as spiritual guides and role models.
My heart was still called elsewhere. It was then, about two years ago, that I discovered Druidry and the god Cernunnos. Finding Cernunnos felt like coming home after a long and arduous journey on a winding path, and I felt immediately welcomed in the wider Druidry community. Cernunnos is, in his very nature, a non-binary and contradictory god. He is a god of transition, crossroads, balance, and the connection of man and nature. He is a masculine figure but conforms to no strict gender rules or binary. He sits between and mediates all opposites: male and female, wild and tame, Heaven and Earth, and he welcomed me with open arms.
I have built an outdoor altar to Cernunnos that I meditate and pray at when the weather permits. Being immersed in nature makes me feel connected to the divine; it’s the closest I can get to experiencing real-life magic. Cernunnos’s lessons bring me great peace and confidence in the way I express both my gender and my spirituality. He taught me that I do not need to conform to some black-and-white structure of identity, and that, in truth, finding a balance between all things is the most peaceful and fulfilling endeavor of all.
