Cathol-ish-ism
Written by Ashley - Florida, USA
Catholics believe in the concept of The Holy Trinity: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit all being one in the same. Growing up Catholic, this is one of the hardest things to wrap your mind around: how can one person be three people? However, unlike most of the other 8-year olds in our Saturday morning CCD classes, I understood immediately: I was one person with family, one person with friends, and one by my lonesome. My recognition of individuality and concept of self has developed more and more the further I dive into religion and share my views with others.
With my parents, sister, and cousins I was the outgoing and goofy youngest child. With my friends, I was the studious pupil who doubled as the ‘dad’ when playing house. And at the end of the day, when it was just me and my thoughts amidst a night light and a bed of stuffed animals, I was simply confused and overwhelmed all the time. As I grew into young adulthood and realized why I felt so different after all these years, I also grew disconnected to the relationship with Christ that I had developed.
What once was every Sunday morning and the ‘Our Father’ before bed became one Saturday evening a month and sleeping under a Crucifix not paying it any mind. I heard the negativity of hateful, misunderstanding peoples and turned away from Christ. Focusing on college, forging friendships, and maintaining a demanding after-school job meant less time existed for Him. However, I have committed myself throughout the past year to embrace Him to the fullest extent and I’ve seen real, tangible effects of this dedication.
I feel unbridled jubilance when I recognize elders at mass whom I have never spoken to, but whom I smile at every weekend. Looking down at the Communion gift on my hand each day warms my heart and lightens my mood during times of stress. The hardships of my day even soften under the knowledge that He guides me every step of the way.
I know I am not the most reverent or faithful or unquestioning, but I belong in a community filled with love and I feel the love in my congregation. I hope to be more reverent when kneeling, not letting my thoughts drift to other places. I hope to say the rosary without heavy eyelids, and I hope to practice my faith in college more selflessly. I know that I can be the best version of myself and I am confident that a life among Christ will help me achieve that goal.
Because there are so many Catholics, for so many years, that reject the concept of homosexuality or gender-fluidity or even individuality, there are times when I doubt my religion. There are even more times where I doubt the people in my religion. And yet, ceaselessly, when the ‘Hail Mary’ slips out of my mouth at night, I feel like the most unobscured version of myself. Though I was never one to hate people for same-sex attraction or have an unwavering view about abortion or even feel like my religion was the ‘only true path to heaven,’ I keep Him in my thoughts, words, and actions daily, and he answers me despite everything.
Attending mass, praying daily, and trusting in Christ are what allow me to feel joy, peace, and a sense of belonging.
