Cut From the Same Cloth
Written by Leon - Oklahoma, USA
Faith and queerness are often seen as two things that cannot intertwine, forcing the subject to choose between two integral parts of their identity. Are you queer, or are you religious? Righteous or a sinner? You cannot be both, most people say. I used to firmly believe with all my heart that it was true. I would pray day in and day out for God to forgive me, to take the feelings I had away. I didn’t mean to love like this, I was sorry. I grew up in a baptist church in Oklahoma with a heavily religious family. The subject of queerness was extremely taboo. Our pastor wasn’t the type to directly say he believed someone was going to hell, but you could see it in his eyes. In the way he refused to acknowledge the topic even when he was asked directly. Gay people weren’t talked about, they were seen as fictional, almost.
My grandmother, and many other members of my family were a different story, however. As a transgender man, I never felt right growing up. When my grandmother learned of what I considered to be my dirty secret, she screamed and cried and cut me out of her life for months. I felt like a monster, a mistake, and an unwanted stain upon the religious world. I tried for years to just suck it up and be the girl everyone wanted me to be. They were not afraid to share their opinions which I always assumed were rooted in the teachings of the bible. It drove me away from christianity, and I wouldn’t learn until much later that hate was not Jesus’ main theme. I understand now that Christianity is a religion of love, acceptance, and kindness. I still take part in Christian holidays such as Christmas and Easter, enjoying meals with the loving parts of my family. We open presents and I close my eyes out of respect when praying to the Lord.
I myself, however, am no longer Christian. I could feel something else calling me. My faith in Christianity was never very strong, and I always knew it wasn’t personally for me. I converted to paganism several years ago, and I have never been happier. Paganism celebrates queerness and feeling comfortable in your own flesh, aligning yourself with the world around you and being kind to the people in your life. My boyfriend and I held a Yule celebration this past year that truly changed my life. We lit candles, making garlands of dried oranges and cinnamon as we prayed for a good new year and celebrated the end of the winter season. In doing so, I felt alive. I felt appreciated and understood.
Sitting there the next morning, wearing colors of shimmering gold and green as we took in the coos of the mourning doves, I felt love. I felt fulfilled in my personal and spiritual life. Praying before the mahogany altar in my room I realized that this is exactly where I want to be. I feel seen in my identity as a queer man. My friends and I are all queer, many of us part of different religions or beliefs. Judaism, Christianity, paganism, and even atheism. We are all very different people, but we all recognize what our faiths have in common. Love, understanding, and appreciation. That’s what it really all boils down to. Though many people miss it, it’s all about love. Faith and queerness are not separate, in fact they are woven together by the same thread. Cut from the same cloth of love.
