Nectar in Hardship
Written by Layla - Oregon, USA
Ksitigharba Bodhisattva is said to be one of pure nondiscriminating loving-kindness, a being of unending wisdom and compassion, a being of the Buddha’s teachings. I’ve always been really happy studying science, and so when I was exploring the possibility of controlling my own senses while I was living in a desert in a camper with my mom and step dad, these Dharma beings, they really inspired me. We didn’t have running water or consistent heat save for the sun on the high desert and a space heater when needed. I was coping with dysphoria as a young trans woman beginning to socially transition. I’d moved out of the south away from an abusive home that left scars that cut to my very core. I was running away emotionally, running from where I’d been discriminated against, that home in the south, all in hope of a better future for myself. Despite being in a desert though, I was happier, and I’d come across the Buddha’s teachings as well; this egg of knowledge to crack open and explore. It was a treasure trove for self improvement that was worth more to me than any gold, and so I began to study.
These beings, these Bodhisattvas, really inspired me with the idea that my compassion could grow beyond what I ever knew was possible in thanks to my hardships. All of my pain could be a tool and inspiration to grow and be of benefit to others to hopefully lessen at least some of their pain so they didn’t suffer like I did. I suffered more hardships going forward as we moved to rural Oregon so I could medically transition, and I had to live in a tent for about 5 months or so. I physically couldn’t make it to an in-person school, and we didn’t have running water and still don’t. We didn’t have fast or stable enough internet for online school, so I had to drop out and self-study for my GED. There were other things too, but it wasn’t so hard any more because it suddenly all had a positive light that I had a better understanding of others’ pain. Things really picked up for me. We got out of the woods and into a cabin and I found an authentic Tibetan Nyingma sangha with genuine and heartfelt practitioners. Later I got my GED which was in November of this previous year, and I even got accepted into an accredited Buddhist college; Dharma Realm Buddhist University in Ukiah, CA.
For the last 2 years I’ve spent a lot of time engaging and learning the roles in traditional Tibetan practice. Specifically, I’ve done several 5-10 day retreats, and some smaller retreats and visits as well. I’ve learned some of the ritual implements and have even begun training as a Chopon and Umzed as well (“person in charge of ritual” and “chant leader” respectively). I’ve really been engaging and apprenticing and doing the best I can, and it’s brightened and illuminated my life. Tashi Choling really feels like my home now; a place that I can always come back to. I’ve grown close to a lot of the people here, and it means the world to me because they’re all such amazing people. When I find myself in practice, in our ornate shrine rooms decorated with the rich nectar of symbolism, and especially confession and the dedication of merit, I feel truly calm and at home in the world. I dedicate all of my virtue to the betterment of others’ lives, and promise to do so for eternity. That’s Buddhism for me.
