My Journey of Faith
Written by Peyton — Oregon, USA
My relationship with faith as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community has been rocky and unconventional. I was raised and baptized in the Episcopalian church. I was an acolyte for our church for about 3 years. The outbreak of COVID-19 altered my ability to participate in the church the same way I had before, causing a disconnect between me and my religion. During the quarantine, I had a lot of time to question the things around me. I questioned things like my sexuality, my faith, and my relationship with religion as a whole. All of this questioning led me to find my sexuality and my faith in a unique way.
Growing up, my mom would take me and my brother to church any Sunday that she could. I remember listening to our priest give his sermon while drawing pictures of the cross that hung on the wall above the altar. I was young and didn’t fully understand what religion and faith meant, but at that time in my life, God was as sure a thing as Santa and the Tooth Fairy. Something I couldn’t see, but believed in with my whole heart. I worked as an acolyte and felt a sense of pride and belonging every time I walked through our church with the cross held high above my head. I still remember this fondly every time I drive passed our church.
The outbreak of COVID-19 made it impossible for my family to attend church. The last time we were able to participate in church was in March 2020. I was 13 years old. In the months following the lockdown, I had a lot of time with my thoughts. During this time I started questioning things I had always considered “normal”. I thought about my sexuality, and how my feelings towards girls had been much more than friendly. I thought about my friends who had recently come out to me. I realized that I may not be the person I thought I was. I first came out as Pansexual to my close friends, and then to my parents shortly after. Everyone was very supportive. As I explored the internet, I continued seeing more and more about religious people showing homophobic tendencies. I looked back at my experience in the church and saw nothing but kindness. We even had a gay couple that attended our church every Sunday. But with my view of the world changing, I was led to question my beliefs. I told my mom that I was an atheist.
My mom was sad to hear that I had disconnected from the church, but she supported me anyway. I spent several years believing that religion was a construct built from a desire for power and that while my church experience had been good, that didn’t excuse all the negative things that came from organized religion. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I could have faith without supporting organized religion. I found my love for God within myself, not church. This realization changed my perspective on faith. I was raised to think that believing in God meant going to church, and I’m thankful that with the years I spent questioning my faith, I was able to realize that's just not true. I am happy with myself and my faith without practicing it in a traditional way. I pray regularly to maintain my relationship with God, but I don’t feel the need to go to church. My relationship with God is mine alone and I am proud to live my life under his light.
